It appears to already have been an entire month since I last shared anything here. I don’t know why. I feel so much better when I share with my words but I still struggle with the whole vulnerability aspect of things in my life. However, I have made it a goal of mine to share hopefully biweekly (I plan to habit track it for accountability).
About two weeks ago, I was feeling really, really out of sorts. I just wasn’t connecting with myself. For two weeks I would journal about how this morning I felt “off” and I really couldn’t pinpoint why. I just knew that something wasn’t right. Last Saturday morning I started my day at 8am out on the balcony with my coffee and my journals and my music. I told myself I really needed to sort myself out. I needed to meditate and sit down and write about where I felt the disconnect happening. I knew that something was unraveling an I needed to be prepared for it. That night, it had started. the unraveling and overflow of emotions. The moment I sort of felt part of me break and fall to pieces.
I struggle with body image issues and for about 11 years I have deeply struggled with my self worth and acceptance. My husband believes I suffer from body dysmorphia, which may be true but for me that’s just, me. My husband has always loved me and made me feel secure and safe, I got really lucky.
That Saturday we had such a good day, we had a lot of fun and just loved each other. That evening we became intimate with each other, which is totally our usual. The past 6 months has been hard for me to open up an be completely vulnerable. Repairing our marriage took many forms and I did not think that sexual intimacy would be one for me, but surprise! It was. That night, for whatever reason, I was completely unable to emotionally connect with him. I tried really hard, but I just could not be in the moment with him. Then I noticed myself getting extremely emotional, and low-key panicked and began to cry. I have never, in all my years of sharing myself with someone, have cried. I cried because in those moments, I had felt so much fall away from me. In that same moment, I felt so much love and acceptance from my husband. It was as if I had entered a new phase of "me."
The next morning I woke up and I knew that all of the feeling from the previous days of disconnect from my own body and the emotions from the prior night were not over. I cried, and cried and cried. I didn't even know why or what exactly I was crying about. When Jeff got up he put his morning routine aside to hold me, and listen to me and offer advice when asked. I needed it. At the end of our talk as I began to pull myself back together, I had come to terms with it all. I have evolved. I had finally realized my issues around love, acceptance, and confidence and self worth.I had done the work to finally liberate myself from the old false stories I had been telling myself for so long. I had finally, let go and cut ties with a portion of my life that I had so desperately held onto. An short time when I thought, "this is it, this is the highlight of it all." A time when I truly believed in my core that there would be no 19, 23, or 25 year old me let alone a 28 year old me. I had been struggling so much with accepting my life because I didn't think I was worthy of one.
I never really understood why I always held onto that time. I get it now. How do you fully live and enjoy a life that your old thought patterns tell you that you don't deserve, that you were never supposed to make it thins far... how do you let someone love you when you don't feel that you are worthy of anything?
I spent the "best" years of my life searching for ways to feel accepted and searching for some ounce of my "if-then" way of thinking would finally pay off. It never did.
What I do know now is that I am right where I need to be. I am forever grateful for my decade of struggle to bring me to this moment today. More happy and more full of love, life, gratitude, and hope. I am so ready to see the kind of woman I turn into, I may have had a struggle in my 20's but damn it, I am looking forward to these last few months of 28 and so ready for my 30's, 40's ect..
I am worthy of his life and love. You are too.
