I keep starting new post and never finishing them. I just haven't felt the spirit to write. I used to write a lot about 2-3 years ago... and then I just stopped. But, I'm trying to reignite my passion for it. I really love how it makes me feel, so I going to try to write more and more... So here we go...
Right as quarantine started, my marriage was just getting back on the right foot. We were (well I was still in the phase of one foot in and one foot out) struggling a lot with mental health issues and I began to struggle with the weight that of being on the other end of it all. I honestly had no idea what was happening. I have been with my husband for 7 years at this point and I had seen all the highs, but my gosh, the lows... the lows were not something I could have prepared myself for. It was so hard and I feel so guilty and I hate to admit that I just wanted to leave, I was feeling like a failure as a wife. I felt bad that I didn’t know how & couldn’t help him.
We knew we wanted to stay together, we knew we wanted to build a life together and make it work. Ohh man we had a lot of work to do. But we did it. Therapy was a must and a weekly commitment for not just him but for me too. He got better and I was still struggling.. I have had trust issues, and even after all the years I spent with him, I never ever was fully in. I was always 60/40. I had to face my true fear of surrender. I had to do something that scared the daylights out of me. In May, for the first time in my life, I surrendered. I let go of my fears and my need to hold onto some sort of control and I had to trust and surrender.
I loved my job, It was my baby. I was there before we even had a building. I was there to help with the new hires t train. I was finally where I had worked so hard to be, and I was making some good money. But as the pandemic raged on, I struggled with my choice to walk away from my job. I didn’t know what was around the corner or how life would look... but my husband felt that it was best or me to stay home...WHAT!?! My husband wanted me to stay home and he was so sweet about it, he blessed me and crowned me a "full-time housewife." While, I was happy to be able to have the choice to go back, it was a bit of an internal struggle. I needed to trust my husband. I needed to trust that he trusted hisself and that he was going to take care of us. I struggled with the decision a bit, But it came down to three things;
1. I knew that my marriage needed all of me. I knew deep down that this what the Universe wanted. The Universe wanted me to work on my marriage and wanted me to grow, and move past my trust issues. And if I was going to save my marriage I needed to surrender to my husband and be all in.
2. Our health is important. Our health is important to maintain, not just for us but for his parents. They're a bit older and it only made sense to stay as healthy as possible to keep those we love safe.
3. Being a WOC in the Metro Detroit area, was and still is hard. We had high numbers and it really took a hard hold on our communities of color. Also, I mean, systemic racism in healthcare is real and something that makes you think twice.
But, here we are, in early July and my marriage is so so so good. Our commitment to each other, our mental health, and being better humans overall was what we needed. Now, I have my husband back, as a healthy functional human who is *here* and present and loving and happy. It's crazy, When I look him in the eye now, there's so much life in his eyes and they are the most clear and blue they have been in a long time.
I am so grateful to have been able to experience something so life-changing & good during this whole thing. I have learned to be more grateful. I have learned to slow down. I have learned to surrender and trust. I have softened my heart and my words. I have more love in me to give to others and myself. I have been the most present I have ever been with my partner. I am more knowledgeable about the big heavy downs for mental illness and I am so much better prepare and more educated in how to navigate these struggles when they arise in a relationship. I am a better wife to my husband who has given me so much support, love, freedom, and encouragement.
I still struggle with some guilt... Now that I realize that since day one, 8 years ago, he said he would take care of me and he always had. Even when we were living together as just boyfriend and girlfriend, he took care of me.
Life is weird. It's scary and beautiful and heavy and light and dark and colorful all at the same time.
We are so excited to be in the place of bliss and love. I am so ready to see how much more we can do together and where our lives will go. But or now, the first thing on our list is to clear the old and bring in the new/ restart some of the things we put on pause. We're cleaning up or diets, our home, and getting back a more non-toxic lifestyle.
With love,
