Saturday, April 6, 2019

Unfinished Ramblings



Self-sabotage is a very real thing. It's very hard to own it and correct it. Looking back on the past year, I am so blown away by the growth that has happened. Growth that I didn't even realize until Jeff and I had shared our reflections on the year. My whole life i have never been "here." I have always been so focused on what happens next and how I will feel when X happens, or when X happens then I will be/feel/do....My entire life I never understood how to feel things and let me move me. Instead I feared feelings and tired to be anywhere but here, where life was happening. From 16 to 19, I partied way too hard, I did what I could to keep me from feeling, from acknowledging the real feels of growing up. I had a lot of fun though, so many memories. So many moments of, "what the fuck am I doing?!" and "Oh well, I'm going to die at some point." Then I met a guy and felt like, "how did I land him?" I didn't "land" anything, I got a real fuckin wake up call from life... and the startling realization that, I had given a lot of myself away for free, and that in this moment I needed to do the work and learn to love myself. So I stopped, I isolated, I let the world as I knew it crumble. It was the worst time I've ever had. I felt that I had nothing. I worked through it though. I took a break from school and started a job. I loved my job, my coworkers, and I was ready to "date" again. After a few "mehs" I met him...and I was rather confused. "What do you mean? You want to have dinner with me?" We met after my shift at work at the restaurant right next door. I had seen his photos but when I saw him in person, that was it! He was 24, had his life together, and super smart...and he was from the Midwest! Such a babe!  I had turned 20 a few months prior, I took a break from school and was a hostess, I was working through mental health issues and figuring my life out. What could we possibly have in common? I guess enough. I knew from the very first date that he was who I wanted to share my life with. Almost 7 years ago, we had our first date, and have been inseparable ever since. Things weren't always easy, but it has been worth it. When we up and moved from California to Michigan with a months notice after 3 ears of dating, I had no idea how hard it would be. I struggled a lot. Having no friends, no family, Staying home while he worked and learning how to deal with a tired partner. Learning how to not feel small when it's late and he's working or already asleep, and I'm sitting in silence under cathedral ceilings alone because I just haven't figured it out yet.
During the first two years of living together, I was scared. I had flown home twice to have surgery.. to fix what was "wrong" with me and what would make things so much better. After, the first surgery, the mental adjustment was the biggest mind fuck and I struggled hard. I got really, really sad and I gained a lot of weight. I didn't feel at home in my own world. 2016, was the year of struggle. 2017, I had my second surgery planned. To prepare I got myself together, I tried to get in the best shape I could for myself. Well, after the surgery happened, and I felt "complete and fixed," I still lived in the, "when this" mindset.

(Three months later this blog post is till unfinished. So I figured I'd just post it as it is... )




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