A Few Unfinished Posts

This is post is just some unfinished blogs that I never got back to or posted. I decided that I would just put them together in this post. I figured I would just post them... why not? 

June 29, 2020

Love. I feel very lucky lately. In the morning I wake slowly. I like to wake up at 7 and start my day. My husband on the other hand, he is a sleeper. I mean, If its a work day, he’ll get up at 9, but on a weekend, he’ll rise around 11-11:30. But, me, I am up. But lately I find it harder and harder to get out of bed. I find myself just lying there, next to him. Gently waking him so he can move over and lie on me. He’s beautiful and resilient and I love him. Our marriage went through a pretty dark few months. A dark few months that ultimately made us realize that we needed to make the ultimate decision to really take care of our mental health. Without a healthy mental state, nothing can grow and flourish. So, we decided to change. Mental health for us became the focus. We talked about the things that made us struggle. Things that put us in a funk, and things that made us feel not so great about ourselves. The even bigger moment for us, was to face each other and agree to let it all go. I needed to Learn how to forgive the pain I felt while my husband was struggling with his mental health and wasn’t the nicest person. He needed to let go of me telling him I wanted out. There was a lot of pain that lingered between us. We had horrible communication. Mainly due to me not knowing what was going on. This was something I hadn’t experienced with him before. The highs were a lot more easy to deal with than the lows. It was hard. But, underneath it all, we both wanted the same things. We both wanted our relationship back. We both wanted each other. We agreed that we both were going to find forgiveness and move forward. We were no longer going to hold onto the hurt, we weren’t going to hang onto it as a way to throw it back each other later. We forgave and recommitted to our marriage. 

We discussed ways we could both support each other in maintaining our mental health and we discussed we needed from one another. 

It took about a month, but once medications were right, therapy was hard and many articles  and books were read, things were good, so so good. I have my Husband back and he has his wife back. We are doing incredible. 

May 31, 2020

It has been a long, tough few months. Many arguments, many hurt feelings....but i think we made it. 

Love has to be the most challenging experience humans have, I never would have thought id find the person who would challenge me to my core and make me so angry while also making me grow and love them more than anything at the same time. 

These last few days have been so wonderful. There's been a nice deep state of flow between us. It's so natural and effortless. When we're touching each other things slow down a bit and I feel so good. It feels like the beginning. Two kids in love in an apartment just being-enjoying each others company. The more I think about it, I get emotional, because it feels so real. It feels like we're back in Pasadena and life was good and we had not a care in the world. Then I am soon brought back to the reality of what is. I'm realizing that we have come so far together. We are here with each other in spite of it all. In what is probably the most uncertain time of both our lives we still chose to show up for each day the best we could. That's gotta mean something. This quarantine had to be the best thing to happen for our relationship. We were forced to face the uncomfortable energies and emotions. We were forced to listen to each other, to yell at each other..to learn how to better communicate. I had to face how i hurt his feelings too. I had to face being in his shoes. I had to learn to face the uncomfortable sticky shit. But I am better because of it. I am kinder, calmer, softer, more understanding... and I know that we can get through anything. 
I can say that while I didn't think that therapy would actually help our relationship, it has. I have a better understanding of who I am and what I need- my love language. Also, I am learning how to be less selfish and see things from someone else's perspective before I jump straight into an emotion based conversation. 

My goal for this marriage is to slow down and breathe more. To just enjoy where we are and love hard in each moment. I want to stay young, fun and in love. I want our life together to be our kind of fun. I'm not quite sure how to accurately describe how I am feeling, but, I feel like I'm in a separate reality. Or like I've cracked some kind of code.  

April 10, 2020

The bittersweet crawl out of winter and into Spring with wide open arms and optimism has brought so much emotion into my heart. Over the long Midwestern winter I really took a lot of time to, I guess, "prepare" for my role as a wife to the man of my dreams. I decided to unplug a bit and become as present as possible. It's crazy what getting off Instagram and putting your phone on silent at 7pm can do for a relationship. We grew so much together. We became better lovers and better friends. Better listeners and better team. Most importantly my vulnerability became more, we became more vulnerable with each other a began to build the foundation of our future together. During this season of cultivating our relationship for marriage, I don't really know what happened, I felt So urged to clean up everything in our lives. To rid of all the excess, to clean up the clutter, to clean up our diets, to clean up our household products. I've always been a supplement nut and an oil junkie but now it wasn't just for me... it was for us. Making space for stronger love and new life felt so good. Purging our lives of the toxic things that weren't serving us and making better choices has definitely made us happier people. I remember when I first started making changes, he was not exactly on board with it but he let me do it.... A few months later, he made a comment about including oils and herbs in the budget because their necessities that we shouldn't be without. (My heart burst, I swear. I knew he'd be on board eventually! haha)
I recently picked up this book... I don't know why. It just called to me and next thing I know, It's in my hands and I can hardly part with it. I wouldn't exactly consider myself a religious person, but I have my core values and beliefs... and this book is beautiful. Not only has it encouraged me to be a Placemaker, but it has rekindled and re-framed some older shelved beliefs I once had... I guess life knows what you need before you know it.... 

Thank you,