Vulnerability

The most important decision I ever made, was getting real with myself and making the choice to get real, to leave my fear and insecurities behind and welcome the world of vulnerability. I spent so, so, so much time living in fear that things wouldn't work and that he doesn't really want this, or me. I feel so silly. I sabotaged myself and my relationship for so long for absolutely no good logical reason at all. 

Choosing to finally say yes, and welcoming vulnerability have given me a life like no other. A life, I was dreaming of... but never happened because I never allowed it too. The past several months have been the deepest, most encouraging, beautiful, loving and happiest time of my life. In this time, I think what I learned first what love is, and how to love myself. After 7 years with a person you would think you'd know how to love yourself, but, without choosing to be open to the lessons of life and the love of another, how is loving yourself ever possible? I have learned to be present and to set boundaries with the "things" of this world. Our dinner time, is our time, no distractions. I no longer answer phone calls and spend hours talking on the phone once he's home from work. Two nights a week, One weeknight and one weekend, but that's it.  The evenings are our time together as a couple to just "be." I do my best to disconnect from social media (tablet, phone, laptop...) I'll read a book or if we're doing our own thing then it's different. In this season, I have learned to appreciate my partner so much more than I ever have. He really works so sooo soooo hard to support us and give us a wonderful life, and he never complains about, nor does he ever ask for more from me. I do my best to be what he needs. I try to make sure, things around the house are always taken care of and that dinner is cooked and ready a few nights a week and that those lay nights there's a delivery plan. I have fallen in love with the team we have become. I have fallen so in love with my role as a partner, being vulnerable and being present. This season has brought us so much and it's so crazy to think that this is really only the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

The last few months I have been so hungry to learn how to be an exceptional wife. I have read a lot, I have listened to podcast and I have even prayer on it.... I'm not a religious person, but I have felt the need to call out to something beyond myself. It's been it has been also 10 months since I said yes... and I finally feel ready, I feel confident in myself to finally step forward and say "I do" to the role of wife. I am so excited and ready to finally make things officially officially and be the best woman, friend, lover, and wife to the man who has loved me deeply, supported me emotionally and financially, laughed with me endlessly and consoled me through millions of tears. To be the wife to the man I dreamed of. To be the wife to the man who only needed one date and decided, "this girl's alright..." Day one, almost 7 years ago, we've been by each others side. Loving each other the best we we knew/know how. I love you endlessly.   

Endlessly, 

Unfinished Ramblings

Self-sabotage is a very real thing. It's very hard to own it and correct it. Looking back on the past year, I am so blown away by the growth that has happened. Growth that I didn't even realize until Jeff and I had shared our reflections on the year. My whole life i have never been "here." I have always been so focused on what happens next and how I will feel when X happens, or when X happens then I will be/feel/do....My entire life I never understood how to feel things and let me move me. Instead I feared feelings and tired to be anywhere but here, where life was happening. From 16 to 19, I partied way too hard, I did what I could to keep me from feeling, from acknowledging the real feels of growing up. I had a lot of fun though, so many memories. So many moments of, "what the fuck am I doing?!" and "Oh well, I'm going to die at some point." Then I met a guy and felt like, "how did I land him?" I didn't "land" anything, I got a real fuckin wake up call from life... and the startling realization that, I had given a lot of myself away for free, and that in this moment I needed to do the work and learn to love myself. So I stopped, I isolated, I let the world as I knew it crumble. It was the worst time I've ever had. I felt that I had nothing. I worked through it though. I took a break from school and started a job. I loved my job, my coworkers, and I was ready to "date" again. After a few "mehs" I met him...and I was rather confused. "What do you mean? You want to have dinner with me?" We met after my shift at work at the restaurant right next door. I had seen his photos but when I saw him in person, that was it! He was 24, had his life together, and super smart...and he was from the Midwest! Such a babe!  I had turned 20 a few months prior, I took a break from school and was a hostess, I was working through mental health issues and figuring my life out. What could we possibly have in common? I guess enough. I knew from the very first date that he was who I wanted to share my life with. Almost 7 years ago, we had our first date, and have been inseparable ever since. Things weren't always easy, but it has been worth it. When we up and moved from California to Michigan with a months notice after 3 ears of dating, I had no idea how hard it would be. I struggled a lot. Having no friends, no family, Staying home while he worked and learning how to deal with a tired partner. Learning how to not feel small when it's late and he's working or already asleep, and I'm sitting in silence under cathedral ceilings alone because I just haven't figured it out yet.

During the first two years of living together, I was scared. I had flown home twice to have surgery.. to fix what was "wrong" with me and what would make things so much better. After, the first surgery, the mental adjustment was the biggest mind fuck and I struggled hard. I got really, really sad and I gained a lot of weight. I didn't feel at home in my own world. 2016, was the year of struggle. 2017, I had my second surgery planned. To prepare I got myself together, I tried to get in the best shape I could for myself. Well, after the surgery happened, and I felt "complete and fixed," I still lived in the, "when this" mindset.

(Three months later this blog post is till unfinished. So I figured I'd just post it as it is... )

Moving on from 2018

I was coming up pretty empty on reflections from 208. As I sat with my thoughts, I couldn't think of how to summarize the year or think of any accomplishments or acknowledge any amount of growth. I was feeling life 2018 was one of the most simple and "basic" years of my life. As the time got closer to midnight, Jeff and I talked about our intentions for the coming year and all that we were proud of from the previous year...and that's what I needed, to remember were we started and where we are now.
2018 was a year of massive growth. SO FREAKING MASSIVE. 2018, was a year of real authentic self-care. I created myself over those 365 days. 
1. In 2018, I for the first tie in my entire relationship, let go of fear and worry and choose to be 100% all in. I wanted so badly to marry the man I was with that I self-sabotaged a lot.
2. In 2018, I allowed myself to be real and vulnerable and let Jeff take care of me. I asked for help when I needed it and didn't feel ashamed by it.
3. In 2018, I learned to managed my emotions and my anger. I learned to look at things differently and was able to discern what was important and what was not.
4. In 2018, I created boundaries within my life, to protect my space and allow more room for healing.
5. In 2018, I learned a lot. I read a lot of books on health, healing, energy, spirit, creativity, love. So many things. 
6. In 2018, I treated my body better. I felt good and I loved/love myself as I was/am.
7. In 2018, I created art. Lots of art. Art I didn't know I could make and home decor that Impressed.
8. In 2018, I became a really, really good cook.
9. In 2018, I dove deep into creating the healthiest most authentic love with Jeff,
10. In 2018, I learned that having the last word is never worth it. 
11. In 2018, I went back to school.
12. In 2018, I changed my career.
13. In 2018, I stopped living in fear. 
14. In 2018, I had more fun.
15. In 2018, I let shit go. 
16. In 2018, I got engaged to the man I dreamed of marrying.
17. In 2018, I cried less.
18. In 2018, I found peace with who I am. 
19. In 2018, I was fucking happy. 
20. In 2018, I never stopped fighting for the life I wanted. 

2018 was the first year where I wasn't waiting for something. I wasn't waiting for any surgery, I wasn't waiting for any healing. I wasn't waiting for the grass to be greener.  I wasn't waiting for permission anymore. I tended my own lawn, I planted my own garden and did the work to create all the beauty. I did it. And this year, I will do it all again.

Good vibes + big love,