Changing how I view my life and myself in general. For a long time, I have wanted to "change my story." I've read in many many blogs, self help books, goddess books, everything- just how important it is to change the story you keep telling yourself. Its a way of moving on and finally it into existence that you are done with the old and really really ready to move into the future as a new being. I feel like I am there. I am ready to wipe my slate clean and step into the woman I have been dreaming of becoming. I have been holding onto the same struggle story for so long. Even after I moved across the country I STILL carried the same story with me. Who does that? You can be anyone you want when no one knows anything about you. But I failed myself and continued to wade in the same shallow murky waters of my life.
I can't say for sure that this is going to necessarily be a rewriting of my story or a letter to self from my future self. I'm not sure...what I am sure of is the emotions that have been planting sure deep roots and establishing a solid home for the day they're ready to flourish with what has been watering them.
Life is really an amazing thing, I believe that once we learn to find the tools to help us along our own personal journey, we-with time, learn to stop being the victim. We stop blaming everyone and everything for our circumstances. It's really easy to play the blame game! We just never face our truth and take responsibility for where we are in our lives. When it comes down to it, we ultimately have the power to change. We an change anything, it's just going to take a little bit (or a lot) of work.
I do not feel ashamed or overshadowed by past, for a long time, I did. I felt that my past was so sad and embarrassing and that no matter how hard I tried or how much I tried to change things, It wouldn't matter, I was forever chained to my her-story. It took me three years of hard self work and reading and struggling and learning how to be in a relationship across the country from my family, falling into depression and gaining a bunch of weight, for me to finally snap out of it and realize that... The one thing that I felt like caused all of my "issues" was finally solved and yet, here I am still doing the same ol' song and dance.
So, I've learned, I have had the power all along. When I was younger I didn't have the tools to learn how to cope. I also had some deeper rooted issues that ruined my knowing of self-worth. To realize at 25 that the reason you never knew your self-worth was becomes someone who was supposed to watch over you and care for you, took it from you. To learn to accept that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't have to feel that way any longer, took a lot. I am now a fierce protector of the ones I love and of my heart. I am fierce protector of my own Bodily autonomy. It is mine, and I make the rules. The struggles that I felt with my hearing, also added to the feeling of being "less than," which is crazy because "Who the fuck cares?' no one important was bothered by having to repeat there sentences an extra time or having to speak a bit louder, or having to sit on my "good side."
When you live in a mindset of constantly needing to have the approval of others to feel good, that is when you lose your power. I lived powerlessly, I gave up my power to the words of people who did not deserve that kind of power. I gave up so much living in a world of outside approval. It's really hard to love yourself when you seek the approval of love from others in order to even give yourself a pat on the back.
I have learned that the saying, "the grass is always greener..." is so true. After I literally got things I had always wanted...the things that had the asterisks of *when I get this, everything will be perfect, I'll really start living* When i realized that it was number 4 crossed of my list and it had been 1 year...and then 2 years... and I was still waiting for the "and then" where was it? It hadn't happened yet. So, It just became another month, and then 6 and then 3 years rolled around the corner.
Operating from a place of "and then" does nothing but keep in a state of limbo. It wasn't until July 25th, 2018 that something just clicked...I feel like I had a legit awakening. Jeff and I were out on the lake, taking in boat as we cruised the perimeter of the lake. We talked, as usual, but this time, things just hit a lot harder and in my head, my heart, and my body, I just felt so much relief. Like a weighted spirit had finally called it quits and floated out of me. All of me just said, "no more, I'm done." In that moment I had decided that I was no long going to live my life from a place of fear anymore. Not anymore, not here. I have accomplished so much, I had gone through things that I always wanted in order to make me feel like I was finally, "normal" finally okay...and I had been afraid to live my "new" life because I didn't know who I was, or who I'd be. I didn't know how to live from a place of fearlessness and happiness. But for whatever reason, that exact moment, all was right. It was exactly where I needed to be, the conversation was that of the divine. The love in that moment and the beauty of life literally surrounding me. It was all the work of the Universe, Source. It was in that moment that everything I had endured and battled and struggled with was leading up to. It was then that I turned my pain into power, my hurt into love, my wounds into wisdom and fear....fear turned into opportunity. I was ready, I had earned my wings. A few minutes after the revelation. I did something I had said I'd do for 5 years, but kept putting it off until it was "right" or until I was no longer sacred. I feared the lake because you cant see the bottom. I feared getting into the lake because that meant that I had to trust that Jeff would be there for me, I had to essentially trust him with my life. I knew how much Jeff wanted to have this experience with me, so I gave in. I put my fear on the shelf in the back of my minds closet and I got in the lake. I was in the lake and I had trusted Jeff. It was the best hour of my life, I had never had so much fun with Jeff. I had never been so proud of myself. When I got of the lake, I truly felt like I had been washed clean of all that I had carried around for the last 26 years of my life. I felt brand new. So free, so happy, mega loved and beautiful and excited for life. And that was the day that changed me. The next day, Jeff proposed to me on the dock where I entered the lake one person and got out of the lake a new person with a second shot a life.
Its been, 2 months since that day. I still feel good. I live differently. I am no longer always operating from a place of fear. I am no longer afraid to show my excitement. I am more affectionate and vulnerable. I am more patient and kind. I am a lot of grateful and level. I know my worth and know that I am capable of anything I set my mind to. I create my life and there is so much power in the everyday. And for the first time in the six years that we have been together, I am 100% all in my relationship, not because of the proposal..but because I am no longer afraid of love and being good enough for someone as I am.
Currently I am creating the most beautiful life for myself and Jeff. I am working hard to be the best I can in my career change. I know that I am going to be great at this and that I will move up very quickly and be successful. I know the amount of money that I am making in this career will be far more than what either of us thought I'd make. I am so, so, so excited for everything to unfold as I get closer and closer to the goal with each passing week.
"Moments" for whatever reason, that word has always been a very important word for me whenever I felt a change or a "leveling up" of sorts in my life. It has so much history in it's 7 letters. I even had a blog a "these moments" after my first surgery in 2015, I got a leather bound journal and began to keep up with all the moments that meant something. Even though, I never stuck it through with either one of those, I still feel that same way. The word has such a deep home in heart. Life is made up of so many little moments, some big, some small..that make up the greatest memories of your life. Moments shape us into who we are. Especially for me. It may have taken 26 years for me to understand how all those moments shaped me, but they did. And because of the work...the hard long soul searching work I've done, I have been able to take all of the past moments I struggled with understand their why and being able to see how they carry a story with a good lesson. I am no longer a victim. I am no long chained to heaving weights, I am no longer weighed down by fear. I am made new, I am of the Phoenix, I have found my human home in the body of sacred beautiful, capable, powerful, abundant Goddess.
It is in the moments of becoming that lead us to this very moment, the moment of really truly living.
It is moments like this. The here. The now. This.
With fearless love,
