I love fall most of all...

I love fall most of all... I really wish that my fall feels lasted or at least stayed the same all throughout the year. When the equinox arrives and the weather starts to smell crisp, with the brisk comforting smell of fireplace smoke fills the air, I just feel... I' not sure there's a word for it, but I feel home. It's the feeling of arrival after a long trip. Arriving home with your family after a long time apart. Coming home after a long day of work. Knowing that its just you and the ones you love and everything is alright.
In the Fall my heart grows to double in size with patience and love. In the Fall I love work in progress that I become. In the Fall, what I love most of all is that my faith- for whatever reason, It grows too. Maybe it's the stark contrast of life and death that arrives beautifully as Fall slowly brings the once flourishing green life to the knees of dark, cold, naked Winter.

By nature humans are cyclic beings, although not all of us recognize and operate in this way. I know I didn't until I moved to the Midwest with my partner 3 years ago. I always felt it inside of my soul though, I never really felt like there was a time to retreat inward to nourish the mid, body, soul connection. It felt like was in a constant state of "go, go, go" and the struggle to constantly catch up. Does that make any sense? I hope so. The last 3 years have been magical cycling with the seasons. To be totally real though, this has been the first year I've had of solid work and live living. When I moved here in  August 2015, I flew back home in November 2015 for 3 weeks for surgery. I thought that when I came back home in December, I was going to be the happiest thing in the world, taking control of life and living up to my full potential... But fuck was I wrong, the adjustment was brutal and I spent all of 2016 sad, very, very sad. I was depressed and put on quite a bit of weight. I did everything I could to put the blame on everything else instead of taking responsibility for not seeking the help I needed to adjust to life and its new emotions. In April 2016, I fearfully and excitedly decided to have my second surgery. I flew home for 2 weeks and flew back at the end of April with Jeff by my side. To say that the second time around was easier, wouldn't necessarily be fair, it was difficult in its own way...
Anyway, that whole story is a blog post on it's own another time. I kind of lost where I was going with this post to begin with, I mean its only 2 paragraphs and its taken me about 4 days to type.
But, what I do know, and what I can say is this: my life feels good right now. So, so good. I mean things are so far from perfect but really deciding to let go and dive fully into faith, hoping that all will work out the way its supposed to was one of the best decisions I've made. Also, allowing myself to create a set of beliefs that work for who I am and also work for who my partner is, really helps to let go of shame. The shame of not "doing things right." Now the focus is on continuing to support each other in this life that works for us.

There's just something about Fall that really allows me to shed everything and begin to rebuild my "home." I guess it makes sense since, in theory, we are all constantly changing. Mmmmm🍵

With fearless love + faith,