What works for me

• I believe in a higher power. To me that higher power is God. However, he is not the traditional God. Not the God of religions or of the bible. 
• God is the power of the Universe, God is everything greater than me and also me. 
• God is Source, Energy, Shakti, Shiva, Goddess.
• I pray to God. When I am quiet, when I am singing, dancing, writing, meditating.
• I believe in the power of prayer and the idea of Faith.
• I believe in loving as best as I can, and to seek understanding when things seem not entirely right.
• I believe in living in alignment with my soul.
• I believe in bible verses that feel good. I believe in verses of the Bhagavad Gita. I believe in the Tao. 
• I believe in Science. I also Believe in faith fueled miracles, but I believe in Science more.
• I believe in living life to the fullest. In enjoying every second.
• I believe in creating my own path and being proud of it.
• I believe in happiness, love, equality, freedom, and you/me.
• I believe in sleeping in on Sunday's and going for breakfast at noon with the one you love.
• I believe in the power of words and thoughts.
• I believe in Crystals and oils and herbs. 
• I also believe in enjoying a drink when I want it.  
• I believe that we're not all here to procreate.
• I believe in following my heart and not being afraid.
• I believe in saying "no" when I don't feel like exerting the extra energy. 
• I believe that when something stops making you feel good, you put the work int it figuring out the why, and if it's irreparable, you move on. 
• I believe in art as therapy.
• I believe in hugging my partner for a full minute when we meet each other in the kitchen when we wake up and when we both get home. 
• I believe in gratitude.
• I believe in living with childlike wonder no matter how old I get. 
• I believe in being unapologetically me.
• I believe in boundaries.
• I believe in forgiveness. 
•  I believe in life. I believe in you. I believe in me.

I love fall most of all...

I love fall most of all... I really wish that my fall feels lasted or at least stayed the same all throughout the year. When the equinox arrives and the weather starts to smell crisp, with the brisk comforting smell of fireplace smoke fills the air, I just feel... I' not sure there's a word for it, but I feel home. It's the feeling of arrival after a long trip. Arriving home with your family after a long time apart. Coming home after a long day of work. Knowing that its just you and the ones you love and everything is alright.
In the Fall my heart grows to double in size with patience and love. In the Fall I love work in progress that I become. In the Fall, what I love most of all is that my faith- for whatever reason, It grows too. Maybe it's the stark contrast of life and death that arrives beautifully as Fall slowly brings the once flourishing green life to the knees of dark, cold, naked Winter.

By nature humans are cyclic beings, although not all of us recognize and operate in this way. I know I didn't until I moved to the Midwest with my partner 3 years ago. I always felt it inside of my soul though, I never really felt like there was a time to retreat inward to nourish the mid, body, soul connection. It felt like was in a constant state of "go, go, go" and the struggle to constantly catch up. Does that make any sense? I hope so. The last 3 years have been magical cycling with the seasons. To be totally real though, this has been the first year I've had of solid work and live living. When I moved here in  August 2015, I flew back home in November 2015 for 3 weeks for surgery. I thought that when I came back home in December, I was going to be the happiest thing in the world, taking control of life and living up to my full potential... But fuck was I wrong, the adjustment was brutal and I spent all of 2016 sad, very, very sad. I was depressed and put on quite a bit of weight. I did everything I could to put the blame on everything else instead of taking responsibility for not seeking the help I needed to adjust to life and its new emotions. In April 2016, I fearfully and excitedly decided to have my second surgery. I flew home for 2 weeks and flew back at the end of April with Jeff by my side. To say that the second time around was easier, wouldn't necessarily be fair, it was difficult in its own way...
Anyway, that whole story is a blog post on it's own another time. I kind of lost where I was going with this post to begin with, I mean its only 2 paragraphs and its taken me about 4 days to type.
But, what I do know, and what I can say is this: my life feels good right now. So, so good. I mean things are so far from perfect but really deciding to let go and dive fully into faith, hoping that all will work out the way its supposed to was one of the best decisions I've made. Also, allowing myself to create a set of beliefs that work for who I am and also work for who my partner is, really helps to let go of shame. The shame of not "doing things right." Now the focus is on continuing to support each other in this life that works for us.

There's just something about Fall that really allows me to shed everything and begin to rebuild my "home." I guess it makes sense since, in theory, we are all constantly changing. Mmmmm🍵

With fearless love + faith,

New Hope

Hello again! It's been a real long time since I actually sat down and put words to a screen. I have missed it dearly but, unfortunately I feel like I've lost it, like I don't know how to write well anymore. I wont let that stop me though, it'll only get better from here... I hope!

So here we are, September 2018. I have waited for this week to show up for a long, long time. This week is a pivotal moment for me, a moment where I face my fears and honor myself for all the times I've said "I'm so sick of this! Enough is enough!" Now, we are here and I'm so excited. I believe in this shift, in this new leaf, the energy, I believe in it so much. Maybe, for once in my life, I actually believe in myself and my abilities.

• I am so excited to be able to finally have a schedule, a schedule that would allow me to actually plan a life around and know that unless I go elsewhere, my schedule isn't going to change.
• I am so excited to start on the path of finally independence! At 26, it's better late than never. 
• I am so exited to finally support and contribute towards my household. Jeff has carried us for a really long time without complaint and I could not be more blessed to have him as my life partner.
• I am so excited to plan for a "wedding" and our honeymoon. I can't wait to officially be one bad ass team in this life. 
• I am so excited to finally purchase a "new" vehicle without feeling guilty about it. 
• I am so excited to feel like an active part of this household. I mean I felt like it before, but being a part-time homemaker, kind of feels a "bleh" after a while...especially without kids in the picture.
• I am excited to better my paintings by purchasing higher end products. 
• I am so excited to finally leave my old stories and fear behind by doing something that I always felt that I could not do. 
• I know that is is going to a lot of fun and very empowering. I know that I will be open to learning and making new friends. I will wake up each and every day with a grateful heart and the best of intentions. 
• I am so deserving of the opportunity to improve myself and my circumstances. 

I am so excited to finally feel excited about life and see the light at the end of the tunnel and to not feel overcome by fear. I'll write more on how I managed to put my fear aside and truly, truly live. I'm real exited to share that story.

I must say, I feel really, really good writing this. After almost 2 years of massive writers block and an overwhelming feeling of "shit, how do I do this again!?" I feel so, so elated with this entry today.

With fearless love,