Oh '18

2018. 2018 has been quite the year, a good year. In the 12 months that make up the duration of the year, I can't say that I didn't grow. I had so much come out of this year, even though at the time, it didn't really feel like this year was all good. looking back, I can certainly say that there were far more ups than downs. 

1. I purchased and paid for my own health insurance and dental insurance.
2. I stayed at the same job for almost a whole year, 10 months.
3. This year was largely dedicated to learning how to connect with the universe and my guides.
4. I built a belief system that was tailored to my truth.
5. I read a lot, a lot.
6. Meditation was a huge part of my life this year.
7. This year I learned to love myself and the core of my soul.
8. I also stopped wearing as much make up this year.
9. My Mom, Dad and Brother visited me this summer and we spent time with Glenn and Christi.
10. This year the USPS wasn't necessarily the biggest fans of my sister and I.
11. I spent a lot of time being a "stay at home."
12. I created a lot of beautiful art. I put my passion into something I can keep.
13. I got engaged on 7.26.18, on Jeff's parents dock at sunset. The way I had hoped for.
14. I went legit camping and tubing for the first time this summer.
15. I met one of Jeff's college friends, Brent and his fiancee. 
16. I went to my first ever bachelorette party, for Crystal. With Lassette, Erin & Jessica.
17. Neosha and Alex visited in early September. We went to some really great places and enjoyed being in "Canada" from Belle Isle Park.
18. In September, I finally committed to the Dental Assisting course...thanks to Rachel. 
19. In November, I got my first Dental Assisting full-time job. 
20. I enrolled in benefits through my job for the first time in my life. 

This year was a lot of growth for me. I learned to ask for help when I needed it. I learned to love myself. I learned that I have the ability to do anything as long as I truly commit to it fully and allow myself the space to grow. Most importantly, this year has taught me the power of vulnerable trust. I had to really let go of my fears in my relationship and be all in, 100% fearless and vulnerable. I had to learn into Jeff a lot this year. I had to ask him for help when needed. I had to allow myself to love and be loved in return. I had to learn how to speak and be in control of my anger. So much personal growth and self-care came from this year.

Love, Optimism, + Positivity,

The cocoon

It has been quite a while since I last put words to "paper." The last post was from the first of October, I had just gone back to school and I was in the stat of my third week. Although, looking back now, seven weeks later, I can say that I wish I had spent some the time I had a bit differently. I had also left my job that week and was committed to getting as much experience under my belt as I could. I studied a lot and thought I had a plan and hoped that everything would go accordingly. I thought I was going to focus on my art and my health while I had this extra time. I thought that naturally I would just really enjoy my last "vacation" of sorts. Unfortunately, my days were spent with me sitting on the couch a majority of the day dong homework and studying and watching videos to help me understand what it was that I was actually learning. Now, 2 months after the start of my class I am sitting here, proud of myself, and proud of all the hard work I had put in. Things didn't go as planned or as I had hoped they would, but that's certainly okay. 

After not being in a learning environment for almost 6 years, I learned so much about my intelligence. I earned about my myself. I never knew I had the drive to be the best, to be better than who I was yesterday. I never knew I had good study skills or that I could retain information so well. I never knew that I'd be a student with over a 100% in the class. I didn't know U feel so comfortable in a room full of strangers, I also didn't think I'd those strangers would become friends. I am so excited to be in the place that I currently am in. I never thought I'd feel the way I do. I also never thought that this would be such a season of growth in many areas of my life. My life has expanded in ways that i cant wait to put down. Into something I can read and always come back to later down the line.  Life has been such a wonderful ride these 26 almost 27 years, and I am constantly in awe of how life works itself out. 

This is a short post but I just really wanted to get this out there, I figured it would help get me back into the swing of things, also it would lighten me up a bit. 

With glittering optimism + love, 

Moments

Changing how I view my life and myself in general. For a long time, I have wanted to "change my story." I've read in many many blogs, self help books, goddess books, everything- just how important it is to change the story you keep telling yourself. Its a way of moving on and finally it into existence that you are done with the old and really really ready to move into the future as a new being. I feel like I am there. I am ready to wipe my slate clean and step into the woman I have been dreaming of becoming. I have been holding onto the same struggle story for so long. Even after I moved across the country I STILL carried the same story with me. Who does that? You can be anyone you want when no one knows anything about you. But I failed myself and continued to wade in the same shallow murky waters of my life.
I can't say for sure that this is going to necessarily be a rewriting of my story or a letter to self from my future self. I'm not sure...what I am sure of is the emotions that have been planting sure deep roots and establishing a solid home for the day they're ready to flourish with what has been watering them.
Life is really an amazing thing, I believe that once we learn to find the tools to help us along our own personal journey, we-with time, learn to stop being the victim. We stop blaming everyone and everything for our circumstances. It's really easy to play the blame game! We just never face our truth and take responsibility for where we are in our lives. When it comes down to it, we ultimately have the power to change. We an change anything, it's just going to take a little bit (or a lot) of work. 
I do not feel ashamed or overshadowed by past, for a long time, I did. I felt that my past was so sad and embarrassing and that no matter how hard I tried or how much I tried to change things, It wouldn't matter, I was forever chained to my her-story. It took me three years of hard self work and reading and struggling and learning how to be in a relationship across the country from my family, falling into depression and gaining a bunch of weight, for me to finally snap out of it and realize that... The one thing that I felt like caused all of my "issues" was finally solved and yet, here I am still doing the same ol' song and dance.
So, I've learned, I have had the power all along. When I was younger I didn't have the tools to learn how to cope. I also had some deeper rooted issues that ruined my knowing of self-worth. To realize at 25 that the reason you never knew your self-worth was becomes someone who was supposed to watch over you and care for you, took it from you. To learn to accept that it wasn't my fault and that I didn't have to feel that way any longer, took a lot. I am now a fierce protector of the ones I love and of my heart. I am fierce protector of my own Bodily autonomy. It is mine, and I make the rules. The struggles that I felt with my hearing, also added to the feeling of being "less than," which is crazy because "Who the fuck cares?' no one important was bothered by having to repeat there sentences an extra time or having to speak a bit louder, or having to sit on my "good side." 
When you live in a mindset of constantly needing to have the approval of others to feel good, that is when you lose your power. I lived powerlessly, I gave up my power to the words of people who did not deserve that kind of power. I gave up so much living in a world of outside approval. It's really hard to love yourself when you seek the approval of love from others in order to even give yourself a pat on the back.
I have learned that the saying, "the grass is always greener..." is so true. After I literally got things I had always wanted...the things that had the asterisks of *when I get this, everything will be perfect, I'll really start living* When i realized that it was number 4 crossed of my list and it had been 1 year...and then 2 years... and I was still waiting for the "and then" where was it? It hadn't happened yet. So, It just became another month, and then 6 and then 3 years rolled around the corner.
Operating from a place of "and then" does nothing but keep in a state of limbo. It wasn't until July 25th, 2018 that something just clicked...I feel like I had a legit awakening. Jeff and I were out on the lake, taking in boat as we cruised the perimeter of the lake. We talked, as usual, but this time, things just hit a lot harder and in my head, my heart, and my body, I just felt so much relief. Like a weighted spirit had finally called it quits and floated out of me. All of me just said, "no more, I'm done." In that moment I had decided that I was no long going to live my life from a place of fear anymore. Not anymore, not here. I have accomplished so much, I had gone through things that I always wanted in order to make me feel like I was finally, "normal" finally okay...and I had been afraid to live my "new" life because I didn't know who I was, or who I'd be. I didn't know how to live from a place of fearlessness and happiness. But for whatever reason, that exact moment, all was right. It was exactly where I needed to be, the conversation was that of the divine. The love in that moment and the beauty of life literally surrounding me. It was all the work of the Universe, Source. It was in that moment that everything I had endured and battled and struggled with was leading up to. It was then that I turned my pain into power, my hurt into love, my wounds into wisdom and fear....fear turned into opportunity. I was ready, I had earned my wings. A few minutes after the revelation. I did something I had said I'd do for 5 years, but kept putting it off until it was "right" or until I was no longer sacred. I feared the lake because you cant see the bottom. I feared getting into the lake because that meant that I had to trust that Jeff would be there for me, I had to essentially trust him with my life. I knew how much Jeff wanted to have this experience with me, so I gave in. I put my fear on the shelf in the back of my minds closet and I got in the lake. I was in the lake and I had trusted Jeff. It was the best hour of my life, I had never had so much fun with Jeff. I had never been so proud of myself. When I got of the lake, I truly felt like I had been washed clean of all that I had carried around for the last 26 years of my life. I felt brand new. So free, so happy, mega loved and beautiful and excited for life. And that was the day that changed me. The next day, Jeff proposed to me on the dock where I entered the lake one person and got out of the lake a new person with a second shot a life.
Its been, 2 months since that day. I still feel good. I live differently. I am no longer always operating from a place of fear. I am no longer afraid to show my excitement. I am more affectionate and vulnerable. I am more patient and kind. I am a lot of grateful and level. I know my worth and know that I am capable of anything I set my mind to. I create my life and there is so much power in the everyday. And for the first time in the six years that we have been together, I am 100% all in my relationship, not because of the proposal..but because I am no longer afraid of love and being good enough for someone as I am.
Currently I am creating the most beautiful life for myself and Jeff. I am working hard to be the best I can in my career change. I know that I am going to be great at this and that I will move up very quickly and be successful. I know the amount of money that I am making in this career will be far more than what either of us thought I'd make. I am so, so, so excited for everything to unfold as I get closer and closer to the goal with each passing week.
"Moments" for whatever reason, that word has always been a very important word for me whenever I felt a change or a "leveling up" of sorts in my life. It has so much history in it's 7 letters. I even had a blog a "these moments" after my first surgery in 2015, I got a leather bound journal and began to keep up with all the moments that meant something. Even though, I never stuck it through with either one of those, I still feel that same way. The word has such a deep home in heart. Life is made up of so many little moments, some big, some small..that make up the greatest memories of your life. Moments shape us into who we are. Especially for me. It may have taken 26 years for me to understand how all those moments shaped me, but they did. And because of the work...the hard long soul searching work I've done, I have been able to take all of the past moments I struggled with understand their why and being able to see how they carry a story with a good lesson. I am no longer a victim. I am no long chained to heaving weights, I am no longer weighed down by fear. I am made new, I am of the Phoenix, I have found my human home in the body of sacred beautiful, capable, powerful, abundant Goddess.
It is in the moments of becoming that lead us to this very moment, the moment of really truly living.
It is moments like this. The here. The now. This.

With fearless love, 

What works for me

• I believe in a higher power. To me that higher power is God. However, he is not the traditional God. Not the God of religions or of the bible. 
• God is the power of the Universe, God is everything greater than me and also me. 
• God is Source, Energy, Shakti, Shiva, Goddess.
• I pray to God. When I am quiet, when I am singing, dancing, writing, meditating.
• I believe in the power of prayer and the idea of Faith.
• I believe in loving as best as I can, and to seek understanding when things seem not entirely right.
• I believe in living in alignment with my soul.
• I believe in bible verses that feel good. I believe in verses of the Bhagavad Gita. I believe in the Tao. 
• I believe in Science. I also Believe in faith fueled miracles, but I believe in Science more.
• I believe in living life to the fullest. In enjoying every second.
• I believe in creating my own path and being proud of it.
• I believe in happiness, love, equality, freedom, and you/me.
• I believe in sleeping in on Sunday's and going for breakfast at noon with the one you love.
• I believe in the power of words and thoughts.
• I believe in Crystals and oils and herbs. 
• I also believe in enjoying a drink when I want it.  
• I believe that we're not all here to procreate.
• I believe in following my heart and not being afraid.
• I believe in saying "no" when I don't feel like exerting the extra energy. 
• I believe that when something stops making you feel good, you put the work int it figuring out the why, and if it's irreparable, you move on. 
• I believe in art as therapy.
• I believe in hugging my partner for a full minute when we meet each other in the kitchen when we wake up and when we both get home. 
• I believe in gratitude.
• I believe in living with childlike wonder no matter how old I get. 
• I believe in being unapologetically me.
• I believe in boundaries.
• I believe in forgiveness. 
•  I believe in life. I believe in you. I believe in me.

I love fall most of all...

I love fall most of all... I really wish that my fall feels lasted or at least stayed the same all throughout the year. When the equinox arrives and the weather starts to smell crisp, with the brisk comforting smell of fireplace smoke fills the air, I just feel... I' not sure there's a word for it, but I feel home. It's the feeling of arrival after a long trip. Arriving home with your family after a long time apart. Coming home after a long day of work. Knowing that its just you and the ones you love and everything is alright.
In the Fall my heart grows to double in size with patience and love. In the Fall I love work in progress that I become. In the Fall, what I love most of all is that my faith- for whatever reason, It grows too. Maybe it's the stark contrast of life and death that arrives beautifully as Fall slowly brings the once flourishing green life to the knees of dark, cold, naked Winter.

By nature humans are cyclic beings, although not all of us recognize and operate in this way. I know I didn't until I moved to the Midwest with my partner 3 years ago. I always felt it inside of my soul though, I never really felt like there was a time to retreat inward to nourish the mid, body, soul connection. It felt like was in a constant state of "go, go, go" and the struggle to constantly catch up. Does that make any sense? I hope so. The last 3 years have been magical cycling with the seasons. To be totally real though, this has been the first year I've had of solid work and live living. When I moved here in  August 2015, I flew back home in November 2015 for 3 weeks for surgery. I thought that when I came back home in December, I was going to be the happiest thing in the world, taking control of life and living up to my full potential... But fuck was I wrong, the adjustment was brutal and I spent all of 2016 sad, very, very sad. I was depressed and put on quite a bit of weight. I did everything I could to put the blame on everything else instead of taking responsibility for not seeking the help I needed to adjust to life and its new emotions. In April 2016, I fearfully and excitedly decided to have my second surgery. I flew home for 2 weeks and flew back at the end of April with Jeff by my side. To say that the second time around was easier, wouldn't necessarily be fair, it was difficult in its own way...
Anyway, that whole story is a blog post on it's own another time. I kind of lost where I was going with this post to begin with, I mean its only 2 paragraphs and its taken me about 4 days to type.
But, what I do know, and what I can say is this: my life feels good right now. So, so good. I mean things are so far from perfect but really deciding to let go and dive fully into faith, hoping that all will work out the way its supposed to was one of the best decisions I've made. Also, allowing myself to create a set of beliefs that work for who I am and also work for who my partner is, really helps to let go of shame. The shame of not "doing things right." Now the focus is on continuing to support each other in this life that works for us.

There's just something about Fall that really allows me to shed everything and begin to rebuild my "home." I guess it makes sense since, in theory, we are all constantly changing. Mmmmm🍵

With fearless love + faith,

New Hope

Hello again! It's been a real long time since I actually sat down and put words to a screen. I have missed it dearly but, unfortunately I feel like I've lost it, like I don't know how to write well anymore. I wont let that stop me though, it'll only get better from here... I hope!

So here we are, September 2018. I have waited for this week to show up for a long, long time. This week is a pivotal moment for me, a moment where I face my fears and honor myself for all the times I've said "I'm so sick of this! Enough is enough!" Now, we are here and I'm so excited. I believe in this shift, in this new leaf, the energy, I believe in it so much. Maybe, for once in my life, I actually believe in myself and my abilities.

• I am so excited to be able to finally have a schedule, a schedule that would allow me to actually plan a life around and know that unless I go elsewhere, my schedule isn't going to change.
• I am so excited to start on the path of finally independence! At 26, it's better late than never. 
• I am so exited to finally support and contribute towards my household. Jeff has carried us for a really long time without complaint and I could not be more blessed to have him as my life partner.
• I am so excited to plan for a "wedding" and our honeymoon. I can't wait to officially be one bad ass team in this life. 
• I am so excited to finally purchase a "new" vehicle without feeling guilty about it. 
• I am so excited to feel like an active part of this household. I mean I felt like it before, but being a part-time homemaker, kind of feels a "bleh" after a while...especially without kids in the picture.
• I am excited to better my paintings by purchasing higher end products. 
• I am so excited to finally leave my old stories and fear behind by doing something that I always felt that I could not do. 
• I know that is is going to a lot of fun and very empowering. I know that I will be open to learning and making new friends. I will wake up each and every day with a grateful heart and the best of intentions. 
• I am so deserving of the opportunity to improve myself and my circumstances. 

I am so excited to finally feel excited about life and see the light at the end of the tunnel and to not feel overcome by fear. I'll write more on how I managed to put my fear aside and truly, truly live. I'm real exited to share that story.

I must say, I feel really, really good writing this. After almost 2 years of massive writers block and an overwhelming feeling of "shit, how do I do this again!?" I feel so, so elated with this entry today.

With fearless love,