Spring = Rebirth

Breakdown To Breakthrough

 

It appears to already have been an entire month since I last shared anything here. I don’t know why. I feel so much better when I share with my words but I still struggle with the whole vulnerability aspect of things in my life. However, I have made it a goal of mine to share hopefully biweekly (I plan to habit track it for accountability). 

About two weeks ago, I was feeling really, really out of sorts. I just wasn’t connecting with myself. For two weeks I would journal about how this morning I felt “off” and I really couldn’t pinpoint why. I just knew that something wasn’t right. Last Saturday morning I started my day at 8am out on the balcony with my coffee and my journals and my music. I told myself I really needed to sort myself out. I needed to meditate and sit down and write about where I felt the disconnect happening. I knew that something was unraveling an I needed to be prepared for it. That night, it had started. the unraveling and overflow of emotions. The moment I sort of felt part of me break and fall to pieces. 

I struggle with body image issues and for about 11 years I have deeply struggled with my self worth and acceptance. My husband believes I suffer from body dysmorphia, which may be true but for me that’s just, me. My husband has always loved me and made me feel secure and safe, I got really lucky. 

That Saturday we had such a good day, we had a lot of fun and just loved each other. That evening we became intimate with each other, which is totally our usual. The past 6 months has been hard for me to open up an be completely vulnerable. Repairing our marriage took many forms and I did not think that sexual intimacy would be one for me, but surprise! It was. That night, for whatever reason, I was completely unable to emotionally connect with him. I tried really hard, but I just could not be in the moment with him. Then I noticed myself getting extremely emotional, and  low-key panicked and began to cry. I have never, in all my years of sharing myself with someone, have cried. I cried because in those moments, I had felt so much fall away from me. In that same moment, I felt so much love and acceptance from my husband. It was as if I had entered a new phase of "me." 

The next morning I woke up and I knew that all of the feeling from the previous days of disconnect from my own body and the emotions from the prior night were not over. I cried, and cried and cried. I didn't even know why or what exactly I was crying about. When Jeff got up he put his morning routine aside to hold me, and listen to me and offer advice when asked. I needed it. At the end of our talk as I began to pull myself back together, I had come to terms with it all. I have evolved. I had finally realized my issues around love, acceptance, and confidence and self worth.I had done the work to finally liberate myself from the old false stories I had been telling myself for so long. I had finally, let go and cut ties with a portion of my life that I had so desperately held onto. An short time when I thought, "this is it, this is the highlight of it all." A time when I truly believed in my core that there would be no 19, 23, or 25 year old me let alone a 28 year old me. I had been struggling so much with accepting my life because I didn't think I was worthy of one. 

I never really understood why I always held onto that time. I get it now. How do you fully live and enjoy a life that your old thought patterns tell you that you don't deserve, that you were never supposed to make it thins far... how do you let someone love you when you don't feel that you are worthy of anything? 

I spent the "best" years of my life searching for ways to feel accepted and searching for some ounce of my "if-then" way of thinking would finally pay off. It never did. 

What I do know now is that I am right where I need to be. I am forever grateful for my decade of struggle to bring me to this moment today. More happy and more full of love, life, gratitude, and hope. I am so ready to see the kind of woman I turn into, I may have had a struggle in my 20's but damn it, I am looking forward to these last few months of 28 and so ready for my 30's, 40's ect..

I am worthy of his life and love. You are too.

Surrendering

I keep starting new post and never finishing them. I just haven't felt the spirit to write. I used to write a lot about 2-3 years ago... and then I just stopped. But, I'm trying to reignite my passion for it. I really love how it makes me feel, so I going to try to write more and more... So here we go...

Right as quarantine started, my marriage was just getting back on the right foot. We were (well I was still in the phase of one foot in and one foot out) struggling a lot with mental health issues and I began to struggle with the weight that of being on the other end of it all. I honestly had no idea what was happening. I have been with my husband for 7 years at this point and I had seen all the highs, but my gosh, the lows... the lows were not something I could have prepared myself for. It was so hard and I feel so guilty and I hate to admit that I just wanted to leave, I was feeling like a failure as a wife. I felt bad that I didn’t know how & couldn’t help him.

We knew we wanted to stay together, we knew we wanted to build a life together and make it work. Ohh man we had a lot of work to do. But we did it. Therapy was a must and a weekly commitment for not just him but for me too. He got better and I was still struggling.. I have had trust issues, and even after all the years I spent with him, I never ever was fully in. I was always 60/40. I had to face my true fear of surrender. I had to do something that scared the daylights out of me. In May, for the first time in my life, I surrendered. I let go of my fears and my need to hold onto some sort of control and I had to trust and surrender. 

I loved my job, It was my baby. I was there before we even had a building. I was there to help with the new hires t train. I was finally where I had worked so hard to be, and I was making some good money. But as the pandemic raged on, I struggled with my choice to walk away from my job. I didn’t know what was around the corner or how life would look... but my husband felt that it was best or me to stay home...WHAT!?! My husband wanted me to stay home and he was so sweet about it, he blessed me and crowned me a "full-time housewife." While, I was happy to be able to have the choice to go back, it was a bit of an internal struggle. I needed to trust my husband. I needed to trust that he trusted hisself and that he was going to take care of us. I struggled with the decision a bit, But it came down to three things;

1. I knew that my marriage needed all of me. I knew deep down that this what the Universe wanted. The Universe wanted me to work on my marriage and wanted me to grow, and move past my trust issues. And if I was going to save my marriage I needed to surrender to my husband and be all in. 

2. Our health is important. Our health is important to maintain, not just for us but for his parents. They're a bit older and it only made sense to stay as healthy as possible to keep those we love safe.

3. Being a WOC in the Metro Detroit area, was and still is hard. We had high numbers and it really took a hard hold on our communities of color. Also, I mean, systemic racism in healthcare is real and something that makes you think twice. 

But, here we are, in early July and my marriage is so so so good. Our commitment to each other, our mental health, and being better humans overall was what we needed. Now, I have my husband back, as a healthy functional human who is *here* and present and loving and happy. It's crazy, When I look him in the eye now, there's so much life in his eyes and they are the most clear and blue they have been in a long time. 

I am so grateful to have been able to experience something so life-changing & good during this whole thing. I have learned to be more grateful. I have learned to slow down. I have learned to surrender and trust. I have softened my heart and my words. I have more love in me to give to others and myself. I have been the most present I have ever been with my partner. I am more knowledgeable about the big heavy downs for mental illness and I am so much better prepare and more educated in how to navigate these struggles when they arise in a relationship. I am a better wife to my husband who has given me so much support, love, freedom, and encouragement. 

I still struggle with some guilt... Now that I realize that since day one, 8 years ago, he said he would take care of me and he always had. Even when we were living together as just boyfriend and girlfriend, he took care of me.

Life is weird. It's scary and beautiful and heavy and light and dark and colorful all at the same time. 

We are so excited to be in the place of bliss and love. I am so ready to see how much more we can do together and where our lives will go. But or now, the first thing on our list is to clear the old and bring in the new/ restart some of the things we put on pause. We're cleaning up or diets, our home, and getting back a more non-toxic lifestyle. 

With love,

A Few Unfinished Posts

This is post is just some unfinished blogs that I never got back to or posted. I decided that I would just put them together in this post. I figured I would just post them... why not? 

June 29, 2020

Love. I feel very lucky lately. In the morning I wake slowly. I like to wake up at 7 and start my day. My husband on the other hand, he is a sleeper. I mean, If its a work day, he’ll get up at 9, but on a weekend, he’ll rise around 11-11:30. But, me, I am up. But lately I find it harder and harder to get out of bed. I find myself just lying there, next to him. Gently waking him so he can move over and lie on me. He’s beautiful and resilient and I love him. Our marriage went through a pretty dark few months. A dark few months that ultimately made us realize that we needed to make the ultimate decision to really take care of our mental health. Without a healthy mental state, nothing can grow and flourish. So, we decided to change. Mental health for us became the focus. We talked about the things that made us struggle. Things that put us in a funk, and things that made us feel not so great about ourselves. The even bigger moment for us, was to face each other and agree to let it all go. I needed to Learn how to forgive the pain I felt while my husband was struggling with his mental health and wasn’t the nicest person. He needed to let go of me telling him I wanted out. There was a lot of pain that lingered between us. We had horrible communication. Mainly due to me not knowing what was going on. This was something I hadn’t experienced with him before. The highs were a lot more easy to deal with than the lows. It was hard. But, underneath it all, we both wanted the same things. We both wanted our relationship back. We both wanted each other. We agreed that we both were going to find forgiveness and move forward. We were no longer going to hold onto the hurt, we weren’t going to hang onto it as a way to throw it back each other later. We forgave and recommitted to our marriage. 

We discussed ways we could both support each other in maintaining our mental health and we discussed we needed from one another. 

It took about a month, but once medications were right, therapy was hard and many articles  and books were read, things were good, so so good. I have my Husband back and he has his wife back. We are doing incredible. 

May 31, 2020

It has been a long, tough few months. Many arguments, many hurt feelings....but i think we made it. 

Love has to be the most challenging experience humans have, I never would have thought id find the person who would challenge me to my core and make me so angry while also making me grow and love them more than anything at the same time. 

These last few days have been so wonderful. There's been a nice deep state of flow between us. It's so natural and effortless. When we're touching each other things slow down a bit and I feel so good. It feels like the beginning. Two kids in love in an apartment just being-enjoying each others company. The more I think about it, I get emotional, because it feels so real. It feels like we're back in Pasadena and life was good and we had not a care in the world. Then I am soon brought back to the reality of what is. I'm realizing that we have come so far together. We are here with each other in spite of it all. In what is probably the most uncertain time of both our lives we still chose to show up for each day the best we could. That's gotta mean something. This quarantine had to be the best thing to happen for our relationship. We were forced to face the uncomfortable energies and emotions. We were forced to listen to each other, to yell at each other..to learn how to better communicate. I had to face how i hurt his feelings too. I had to face being in his shoes. I had to learn to face the uncomfortable sticky shit. But I am better because of it. I am kinder, calmer, softer, more understanding... and I know that we can get through anything. 
I can say that while I didn't think that therapy would actually help our relationship, it has. I have a better understanding of who I am and what I need- my love language. Also, I am learning how to be less selfish and see things from someone else's perspective before I jump straight into an emotion based conversation. 

My goal for this marriage is to slow down and breathe more. To just enjoy where we are and love hard in each moment. I want to stay young, fun and in love. I want our life together to be our kind of fun. I'm not quite sure how to accurately describe how I am feeling, but, I feel like I'm in a separate reality. Or like I've cracked some kind of code.  

April 10, 2020

The bittersweet crawl out of winter and into Spring with wide open arms and optimism has brought so much emotion into my heart. Over the long Midwestern winter I really took a lot of time to, I guess, "prepare" for my role as a wife to the man of my dreams. I decided to unplug a bit and become as present as possible. It's crazy what getting off Instagram and putting your phone on silent at 7pm can do for a relationship. We grew so much together. We became better lovers and better friends. Better listeners and better team. Most importantly my vulnerability became more, we became more vulnerable with each other a began to build the foundation of our future together. During this season of cultivating our relationship for marriage, I don't really know what happened, I felt So urged to clean up everything in our lives. To rid of all the excess, to clean up the clutter, to clean up our diets, to clean up our household products. I've always been a supplement nut and an oil junkie but now it wasn't just for me... it was for us. Making space for stronger love and new life felt so good. Purging our lives of the toxic things that weren't serving us and making better choices has definitely made us happier people. I remember when I first started making changes, he was not exactly on board with it but he let me do it.... A few months later, he made a comment about including oils and herbs in the budget because their necessities that we shouldn't be without. (My heart burst, I swear. I knew he'd be on board eventually! haha)
I recently picked up this book... I don't know why. It just called to me and next thing I know, It's in my hands and I can hardly part with it. I wouldn't exactly consider myself a religious person, but I have my core values and beliefs... and this book is beautiful. Not only has it encouraged me to be a Placemaker, but it has rekindled and re-framed some older shelved beliefs I once had... I guess life knows what you need before you know it.... 

Thank you,

Vulnerability

The most important decision I ever made, was getting real with myself and making the choice to get real, to leave my fear and insecurities behind and welcome the world of vulnerability. I spent so, so, so much time living in fear that things wouldn't work and that he doesn't really want this, or me. I feel so silly. I sabotaged myself and my relationship for so long for absolutely no good logical reason at all. 

Choosing to finally say yes, and welcoming vulnerability have given me a life like no other. A life, I was dreaming of... but never happened because I never allowed it too. The past several months have been the deepest, most encouraging, beautiful, loving and happiest time of my life. In this time, I think what I learned first what love is, and how to love myself. After 7 years with a person you would think you'd know how to love yourself, but, without choosing to be open to the lessons of life and the love of another, how is loving yourself ever possible? I have learned to be present and to set boundaries with the "things" of this world. Our dinner time, is our time, no distractions. I no longer answer phone calls and spend hours talking on the phone once he's home from work. Two nights a week, One weeknight and one weekend, but that's it.  The evenings are our time together as a couple to just "be." I do my best to disconnect from social media (tablet, phone, laptop...) I'll read a book or if we're doing our own thing then it's different. In this season, I have learned to appreciate my partner so much more than I ever have. He really works so sooo soooo hard to support us and give us a wonderful life, and he never complains about, nor does he ever ask for more from me. I do my best to be what he needs. I try to make sure, things around the house are always taken care of and that dinner is cooked and ready a few nights a week and that those lay nights there's a delivery plan. I have fallen in love with the team we have become. I have fallen so in love with my role as a partner, being vulnerable and being present. This season has brought us so much and it's so crazy to think that this is really only the beginning of the rest of our lives. 

The last few months I have been so hungry to learn how to be an exceptional wife. I have read a lot, I have listened to podcast and I have even prayer on it.... I'm not a religious person, but I have felt the need to call out to something beyond myself. It's been it has been also 10 months since I said yes... and I finally feel ready, I feel confident in myself to finally step forward and say "I do" to the role of wife. I am so excited and ready to finally make things officially officially and be the best woman, friend, lover, and wife to the man who has loved me deeply, supported me emotionally and financially, laughed with me endlessly and consoled me through millions of tears. To be the wife to the man I dreamed of. To be the wife to the man who only needed one date and decided, "this girl's alright..." Day one, almost 7 years ago, we've been by each others side. Loving each other the best we we knew/know how. I love you endlessly.   

Endlessly, 

Unfinished Ramblings

Self-sabotage is a very real thing. It's very hard to own it and correct it. Looking back on the past year, I am so blown away by the growth that has happened. Growth that I didn't even realize until Jeff and I had shared our reflections on the year. My whole life i have never been "here." I have always been so focused on what happens next and how I will feel when X happens, or when X happens then I will be/feel/do....My entire life I never understood how to feel things and let me move me. Instead I feared feelings and tired to be anywhere but here, where life was happening. From 16 to 19, I partied way too hard, I did what I could to keep me from feeling, from acknowledging the real feels of growing up. I had a lot of fun though, so many memories. So many moments of, "what the fuck am I doing?!" and "Oh well, I'm going to die at some point." Then I met a guy and felt like, "how did I land him?" I didn't "land" anything, I got a real fuckin wake up call from life... and the startling realization that, I had given a lot of myself away for free, and that in this moment I needed to do the work and learn to love myself. So I stopped, I isolated, I let the world as I knew it crumble. It was the worst time I've ever had. I felt that I had nothing. I worked through it though. I took a break from school and started a job. I loved my job, my coworkers, and I was ready to "date" again. After a few "mehs" I met him...and I was rather confused. "What do you mean? You want to have dinner with me?" We met after my shift at work at the restaurant right next door. I had seen his photos but when I saw him in person, that was it! He was 24, had his life together, and super smart...and he was from the Midwest! Such a babe!  I had turned 20 a few months prior, I took a break from school and was a hostess, I was working through mental health issues and figuring my life out. What could we possibly have in common? I guess enough. I knew from the very first date that he was who I wanted to share my life with. Almost 7 years ago, we had our first date, and have been inseparable ever since. Things weren't always easy, but it has been worth it. When we up and moved from California to Michigan with a months notice after 3 ears of dating, I had no idea how hard it would be. I struggled a lot. Having no friends, no family, Staying home while he worked and learning how to deal with a tired partner. Learning how to not feel small when it's late and he's working or already asleep, and I'm sitting in silence under cathedral ceilings alone because I just haven't figured it out yet.

During the first two years of living together, I was scared. I had flown home twice to have surgery.. to fix what was "wrong" with me and what would make things so much better. After, the first surgery, the mental adjustment was the biggest mind fuck and I struggled hard. I got really, really sad and I gained a lot of weight. I didn't feel at home in my own world. 2016, was the year of struggle. 2017, I had my second surgery planned. To prepare I got myself together, I tried to get in the best shape I could for myself. Well, after the surgery happened, and I felt "complete and fixed," I still lived in the, "when this" mindset.

(Three months later this blog post is till unfinished. So I figured I'd just post it as it is... )

Moving on from 2018

I was coming up pretty empty on reflections from 208. As I sat with my thoughts, I couldn't think of how to summarize the year or think of any accomplishments or acknowledge any amount of growth. I was feeling life 2018 was one of the most simple and "basic" years of my life. As the time got closer to midnight, Jeff and I talked about our intentions for the coming year and all that we were proud of from the previous year...and that's what I needed, to remember were we started and where we are now.
2018 was a year of massive growth. SO FREAKING MASSIVE. 2018, was a year of real authentic self-care. I created myself over those 365 days. 
1. In 2018, I for the first tie in my entire relationship, let go of fear and worry and choose to be 100% all in. I wanted so badly to marry the man I was with that I self-sabotaged a lot.
2. In 2018, I allowed myself to be real and vulnerable and let Jeff take care of me. I asked for help when I needed it and didn't feel ashamed by it.
3. In 2018, I learned to managed my emotions and my anger. I learned to look at things differently and was able to discern what was important and what was not.
4. In 2018, I created boundaries within my life, to protect my space and allow more room for healing.
5. In 2018, I learned a lot. I read a lot of books on health, healing, energy, spirit, creativity, love. So many things. 
6. In 2018, I treated my body better. I felt good and I loved/love myself as I was/am.
7. In 2018, I created art. Lots of art. Art I didn't know I could make and home decor that Impressed.
8. In 2018, I became a really, really good cook.
9. In 2018, I dove deep into creating the healthiest most authentic love with Jeff,
10. In 2018, I learned that having the last word is never worth it. 
11. In 2018, I went back to school.
12. In 2018, I changed my career.
13. In 2018, I stopped living in fear. 
14. In 2018, I had more fun.
15. In 2018, I let shit go. 
16. In 2018, I got engaged to the man I dreamed of marrying.
17. In 2018, I cried less.
18. In 2018, I found peace with who I am. 
19. In 2018, I was fucking happy. 
20. In 2018, I never stopped fighting for the life I wanted. 

2018 was the first year where I wasn't waiting for something. I wasn't waiting for any surgery, I wasn't waiting for any healing. I wasn't waiting for the grass to be greener.  I wasn't waiting for permission anymore. I tended my own lawn, I planted my own garden and did the work to create all the beauty. I did it. And this year, I will do it all again.

Good vibes + big love,